New Update on DAD

I just got back from the hospital. Dad almost died this morning as his blood pressure dropped under 40 and he was again unresponsive. When I got to the hospital he was a bit better, but I thought he might die while I was waiting for my Mother to get there. He is presently a bit more stable. He is verbal at times, but is so weak it is difficult to hear him. His BP is currently 84.

It has been a very trying weekend. Dad had to have his dialysis port changed as it was indicated that the port in one of his femoral arteries was not working well. That day(Saturday) he had two dialysis treatments. He was found to be receiving too many pain injections which was making him lethargic and disoriented. They used Narcon to reverse the analgesic medications. After that, he became more verbal. He began indicating that he wanted to die asking all of us to"let him go". My Mom talked him into continuing dialysis treatments and he was moved to CCU to monitor him more closely. His BUN is now down to 70 with the more efficient dialysis port.

He has a severe stomach infection which, so far, is not responding to anti-biotic treatment. They believe he may have sepsis as well. He is in periodic pain, but they are not wanting to begin pain medications as he had so much trouble with them previously. My Mom is experiencing so much pain watching all of this and is constantly doubting herself wavering between letting him go onto a hospice program and continuing treatments. She is very emotionally fragile and has now named me an agent on his health care proxy. I am trying to prepare her gently for his death.

I continue to go and see Dad as often as I can. I continue to hold his hand and give him water on a sponge lollipop as the continuous oxygen dries out his mouth and lips. He was verbal for a while yesterday and told me "this is a terrible way to die." He at times is alert and more oriented making his needs known. At other times he is confused calling me by my nephew's name and thinking it was 1965. The doctors are still indicating there is a slight chance that he will get better and are not yet recommending moving to comfort care only. He is now being fed intravenously through his PICC line.

I rely on Mike and my dear friends who comfort me and help to care for me. Lea has proven to be a wonderful friend to me and I have received so many words of encouragement and best wishes from so many people. It means a lot to me. My dear friend Ken visited my Dad on Saturday and I was so appreciative of his being there for me. I take care of myself and know that I must remain strong for my family and for myself. I did not go to jury duty this morning and called there to indicate what was going on with my Dad. I now need to get a note from his nephrologist to excuse me from jury service. Ridiculous.

Dad has been at the hospital now for 4 weeks. He is not showing any signs that he is improving at all. I cannot even imagine what he is feeling. I wonder if this is indeed a losing battle. It seems so.

I know this may sound weird, but I find myself just wishing he would get well or die. I know how painful this is to my Father. It is so very painful for us as well. It is certainly so very painful to me to see him like this and to watch my family get pulled through this emotional ringer day after day. I pray that God intervenes in His time.