Guilt vs. Shame

Many people are under the mistaken assumption that the terms guilt and shame and interchangeable. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Guilt is what we feel when we have been convicted of doing something we know was not correct at the time. We have done something that we feel is inconsistent with who we wish to be and now feel appropriate feelings of guilt about our actions. It sets in motion the healthy pattern of accepting what we did that has fallen short of who we want to be and make amends to others, ourselves, or to God. This feeling of guilt must also be followed by forgiveness of ourselves and a pledge to do better. We then need to work towards letting it go.

Shame, on the other hand, is NOT a healthy response to us doing something wrong. Shame is something we carry around with us long after the guilt subsides. It is an unhealthy response to us acknowledging a poor decision. It lingers. Instead of seeing ourselves as a good person who made a mistake, shame's message is that we are NOT a good person because of what we have done. There is no process of acceptance leading to amends leading to forgiveness of self. Shame hangs over us like a dark and smoke-filled cloud causing depression and poor self esteem. It has often been called by therapists, "the gift that keeps on giving."

We learn how to shame ourselves from parents or other adults who shamed us when we made mistakes or acted foolishly or selfishly. Messages were sent that we are a "bad" person rather than someone who made a poor choice. I hear parents even in my office telling their children that they were "bad boys" or "bad girls". Sometimes parents don't even have to use these terms directly. The message is clear that what you did was shameful and perhaps you are even unlovable at the moment that they are angry with the child. So many adult children have learned and then replicated the fact that they are unable to feel love and anger towards a person simultaneously. The message is the same one they have heard in their childhood..."You are not worthy of love at this moment because of what you did." So, they repeat this same mantra in their own heads when they are convicted of a mistake or poor decision.

We need to rid ourselves of ALL shame. Guilt is a natural and healthy response. We need to then accept responsibility for our actions and forgive ourselves. SHAME teaches us continued negativity towards ourselves. We need to realize we most likely have had enough of that already. Life is so much easier when we put down the heavy bag of bricks we carry on our backs filled with shame.