Lamentations

It has been 2 weeks since my Father's death. I have had time now to collect my thoughts and meditate on my feelings and insights surrounding his death, wake, and funeral service.

I will never forget, for as long as I live, the last six weeks of my Father's life. It was such a warm and wonderful time for me even as he lay dying in Mather Hospital. We shared a closeness and love that neither of us had experienced while we were both alive. I actually miss going to the hospital each day to see him just to feel that closeness and intimacy with my Dad. We held hands and even when there were no words between us, we could just make eye contact and I could feel his love for me. It was such an honor for me to be there with him each day as he spent his last few weeks in this world. He looked for me every day and would often ask the hospital staff, "where is my son?" Each day, I was right there with him.

My relationship with my Father was wrought with strife and great difficulty. He was different with me than he was with anyone else I ever saw him with. It is so interesting to me that he had this exact relationship with my Grandfather and I can clearly remember their huge arguments and fights from my childhood. They, like my Father and I, were able to share intimacy at the end of my Grandfather's life. How odd. My Father had issues with me. He hated that I didn't depend upon him as my siblings did. He disliked my liberal and libertarian views of politics. He could not stand my disagreeing with him and challenging him on the way he spoke to me or what he believed in. There were very few topics he and I could discuss as we were so diametrically different on almost every subject. He had very little tolerance for other's views, but ZERO tolerance for mine. Somehow, as he lay dying, he realized all of this was just bullshit. He and I were able to get to the bottom line of our love for each other. I always heard from so many people how proud my Father was of me and what I have accomplished. I wish I had heard that from his lips. So, to me, even though I never heard these words, I know he is so very proud of what he and I were able to accomplish together even though it was just the last six weeks of his life.

At his wake, I met so many people who did not know the side of my Father that I knew all too well. I left it that way for them. I wondered how it could be that so many people saw him so very differently than I did. Certainly, they had never seen or even heard of his darker side, but they knew him fairly well and loved him and enjoyed him so much. I used to believe that my Father's "other life", as I used to call it, was one big fake that he perpetrated on others. But, I now see that I was wrong. I believe now that this other part of his personality was just as real as the one I had experienced. It is just that, for some very, very sad reason, he was not able to let me see this part of himself. I truly believe that he subconsciously replicated our relationship into the one he had with his own Father. Whatever the reason, we had our six weeks. Six weeks that I will cherish forever.

I am proud of him. I am proud of myself. I am proud of my sisters and my Mom who have pulled together like never before. I will spend more time with them and enjoy my relationship with them even more now.