Inward Reflections

So many of you that are my friends, patients, clients, students, and readers of this blog are concerned about how I am doing emotionally so I thought I would share what I am experiencing and observing. This will be a very personal blog entry. It has not been my practice to share so intimately regarding my feelings, but in this case I feel it is appropriate.

Being a devoted meditation practitioner and observer of myself, I am taking notice of many interesting awarenesses. I have been so caught up with taking care of my Father in the hospital and my family as well. I have done a good job of taking care of myself throughout this process as well. I had found it beneficial to see patients throughout the 6 week ordeal while Dad was in the hospital. I found I was able to be fully available to my patients, students, and clients. Now, after his death, I am taking the time to look inside at what I am experiencing.

Now that my Father has died I am finding it more difficult to concentrate and get things done. I am noticing that I have less energy and tire quite easily. Even my workouts at the gym have been more difficult to complete. Being the kind of person that I am, this bothers me as I am always one to accomplish as much as I can each day. I once again have to respect the grieving process and be gentle with myself as I emotionally heal. Sometimes, I feel a growing sadness developing within me. It is not a feeling I am familiar with.

Yesterday I was walking to Starbucks and I became aware that I am fatherless. I don't really know why this awareness came to me. I don't know what it means exactly. It's a feeling of being alone in the world I remember from being on my own at age 15. My Father and I have the same given name and now I am the only William Lauterbach in the world.

I can feel myself doing some classic bargaining techniques. Sometimes, I think of when I'll go up to the hospital and then again realize he's gone and I don't have to fit this into my schedule any longer. It's silly how we do these things. I know it's just part of the adjustment towards acceptance.

I find there are times when I want to be alone with my thoughts. It is at this time that I cry. I pray a lot and find peace in silence as any Quaker enjoys. I find that I am relishing the 6 weeks that my Father was in the hospital. So much healing had taken place. Without getting into details, suffice it to say that Dad and I had a very difficult relationship. For so many years, I tried as best I could to have a relationship with him that was close, but because of who he was it was not possible. Maybe it was also due to who I am that it was not quite possible either. So many times he was abusive and intentionally hurtful to me and I would never stand for it. I would tell him how I felt and confronted him on his words and actions. This always led to him not speaking to me and not allowing me over to my parents' home. He could be such a child sometimes with his adult version temper tantrums and lack of any self control. Over the last 5 or 6 years, I gave up on trying to have a relationship with my Father. When I would see him, I would keep our conversations to a minimum and to simply speak with him about things he would not become easily upset over. This was not ever easy as so many things about him and I upset him. I would say that we were polar opposites in almost every way. In March of this year, my Father and I were speaking on the phone and he disagreed with the way I chose to handle a particular situation. As was his tendency, he became verbally abusive and I told him if he continued to do so I would hang up the phone. This enraged him and he became even more abusive so I did what I said I would do and hung up the phone. Up until a week before he went into the hospital, whenever I would call my parents' home he would hang up the phone when he saw I was calling. This was an example of how immature he could be. So, him and I hadn't spoken for over 9 months when he went into the hospital just 6 weeks ago.

A friend of mine lost his Mother months ago. At the wake, all of her children were speaking kindly of what a wonderful Mother she was and their beautiful memories of her. I was listening to them all speak and I told Michael that it makes me so sad that when my Father dies I won't be able to say anything positive about our relationship. It was a very sad revelation to me that this was indeed true. Now, I CAN say positive things about my relationship with my Father.

My Father and I had a wonderful healing over the past 6 weeks. He was so sweet and kind to me. He wanted him and I to be close even if it was on his deathbed. I can say he taught me a very valuable thing. HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO DIE. He was taking care of all of us as we took care of him right up until the end of his life. He made sure that my Mom was OK with his death. He made sure that financially my Mom was OK. He made sure that all of his children were emotionally prepared for his death. He let go of all grudges and regrets and made peace with all others and within himself. He faced his illness and death with courage and acceptance. He only spoke of his death when he felt my Mom and sisters were prepared to do so. He endured painful procedures with grace and dignity. He showed LOVE to all. This I can admire. This I can only wish to emulate.

I will miss my Father. In many ways, I see that we were a lot alike. I possess his strength and courage. I care for all those in my life that I love. I am sometimes as stubborn as he was. I am always one to speak my mind when I feel something just as he always did. I provide for those I love and depend upon me.

As I was watching my Father die on Monday night in his bed, I was aware of how much I look like him. I really never took notice of this before. I began to think of what I need to do to make sure that I live longer than his 73 years. I will make sure that I take even better care of myself and continue to tell those I love how much they mean to me and not wait until I am dying to do so.

I don't know how so many people endure this deep pain and hurt when they lose a parent or someone they love without having a partner in life as I do. I am so grateful for my Michael and all of my dear friends. Thank you all.