Update on Dad in hospital

My Father continues to experience great difficulty. He is very, very ill. He is going to begin dialysis as his kidneys are barely functioning at all. He is not eating much, has episodic pain, and is depressed and morbid at times. Michael and I have been spending a lot of time up at the hospital with him. He is very afraid of dying. He now requires a nasal-gastric tube to empty contents of his stomach as his kidneys are not able to do so. His stomach and body cannot rid itself of toxins and poisons that the kidneys are responsible for eliminating. The kidneys have been compromised by end stage Diabetes.

It is good for me to be spending time with him even as he is so ill. He holds my hand and depends on me to get things done for him whether it's getting him water or something to make him comfortable or to ask the medical personnel for information. He relies on me and I really do enjoy our time together even as he is so gravely ill. It is wonderful for me to hear him say "thank you" to me when he sees me. He continues to be narcissistic, but I would imagine it is easy to become more this way when one is so ill. I was thinking that I would have dealt so much better with a narcissistic Father who is kind as he is now rather than his usual combination of narcissism and abusive behaviors. I certainly enjoy this part of his personality so much more.

It is difficult for me to work and to be fully available to my clients, students, and patients. It is now when I have to rely on my dedication to professionalism and my leaning upon God. I know the importance of taking care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. I surround myself with those who love me dearly and are always there for me.

I can honestly say that I love my Father. Our relationship has been so difficult. I pray for his life to continue and that he and I may have a closer relationship before he dies. I look forward to spending more time with him and to be there whenever he needs me.

I am concerned about my sisters and my mother as his health deteriorates.

It is unknown at this time whether or not his heart is strong enough for the dialysis procedure to initiate and also to be productive. His heart is very weak and his body is very frail at this time.

I rely on God to take control of this situation. It's all in His hands.