Dad at the hospital 12/30/08

I saw my Father this morning at the hospital. I had to flash my card and say I was seeing a patient to be allowed up on the units at this early hour as it was just 8am. He looked horrible. Today he is scheduled to attempt to have dialysis begun. They are not sure that his heart will be able to deal with the procedure. My Father does not wish to have a DNR order so they will attempt to resuscitate him if he goes into cardiac arrest. If this dialysis procedure is not able to occur there is nothing further that can be done for my Dad other than to keep him pain free. His kidneys are almost completely shut down.

Today, I am waiting for my Mom to call with any news. I spoke with my Father this morning and he is quite aware of the possibilities of this procedure not working well. He spoke with me regarding his possible death asking me to care for my Mom and sisters. It is quite difficult to see him in this state. I am as prepared as I think I can possibly be in the event of his death. I told him how much I love him and I still have some hope that he will be able to have dialysis and he can enjoy some quality of life once again. I found myself speaking to him as I would back when I was a hospice and home care medical social worker informing him of the need for a positive attitude and the mind and body relationship.

I have been an excellent son to him. I know this. I was hoping to hear him tell me he loves me but he did not. When I told him I loved him he said "I know you do". It's sad to me that even now he has difficulty expressing feelings such as these.