My Father in the hospital

Michael and I went to see my Father in the hospital Friday. He is suffering from advanced heart disease as well as renal failure. I know that he does not have much longer to live.

My Father and I have had a very, very difficult relationship. He was, and to some extent, still is abusive and mean. In all of my years doing psychotherapy I have not seen anyone who has evidenced more narcissism. I do not wish to reveal anything further about our relationship here in the blog. Those of you who know me know the full extent of this abuse. Seeing him lying in what may be his death bed was very strange for me. Here he was, this once powerful and punishing figure in my life looking so weak and frail and powerless. I can remember fearing him to such an extent that my entire life was centered around his moods and anger. Now, he is helpless and fragile and cannot hurt me or anyone any longer.

Of course, the way he has lived his life has led to his poor health. Years and years of smoking and drinking and raging coupled with lack of exercise and poor nutritional habits have led to his deterioration.

I attempt to not replicate his life in any way. I exercise regularly, eat well, do not smoke at all and do not drink to excess. I have learned to not carry anger and rage and to forgive others. I strive to be content and to enjoy others who may not agree with me.

Needless to say, I am experiencing so many different emotions and memories with my Father being so ill. I am so fortunate to have so many friends in my life whom I can share with. I know I am even more fortunate to have Michael who is the best partner anyone could ever ask for. I know that I have no regrets and I have made peace with every aspect of my relationship with my Dad. Even though he would never admit to doing anything detrimental to me, I have forgiven him already. I've even forgiven him for things he hasn't even done yet.

It was good to see my Father. I hope and pray that he will bounce back and enjoy a higher quality of life. More importantly, I wish that he could embrace the wonderful things life has to offer and to make peace within himself. I also know he and he alone has to do this.