Accomplice

Born

"Love is what we were born with.
 Fear is what we learned here."

Marianne Williamson

Walking For Fitness

Mile for mile, walking may not burn as many calories as running, but that hardly means you should jog if you hate it. Walking is an excellent way to get into shape and trim your physique.

To burn the same number of calories walking as you would running, you just need to walk a little longer. It probably also goes without saying that the faster you walk, the more calories you’ll burn. “For weight loss, you should be walking at a brisk pace (about two miles in 30 minutes) for at least 250 minutes per week — approximately 35 minutes per day,” says Melissa Hendricks, MEd, manager of the Cleveland Clinic Fitness Centers. “If you are a beginner, start slow and gradually increase your time and speed each week,” she says.

House

"What we speak
becomes the house we live in".


 Hafiz

Within

Steps

Courage

Communication Rule Number Ten

Don't Dump Out Stored-Up Complaints (in fact, don't store them up in the first place). Dealing with one complaint at a time is difficult enough.

But here's the problem: Everyone suppresses complaints, although some people do it more than others. And suppressing them means storing them up. And storing them up leads, in moments of anger, to dumping them out. So we're going to dump out stored-up complaints.

The middle of a fight is the worst possible time to dump out complaints, but it may be the only possible time. If you don't dump them out, they may never get out. It's only then that you're freed from concern about having too much impact—about hurting your partner's feelings or starting a fight. Your concern at such moments is only that you aren't having enough impact.

Once your complaints are out, you and your partner have the possibility of a useful conversation later when the dust has settled.

Dan Wile

Alcohol and Cancer

According to a study in the American Journal of Public Health, alcohol in all forms — beer, liquor and wine — decrease your immune system’s ability to root out cancer cells early. Cutting back is a bona fide way to make cancer less likely (and a lot less likely if you have four or more drinks per day).

Past research has linked alcohol to cancers of the mouth, throat, esophagus, liver, colon, rectum and female breast. And if you develop cancer, maybe you should reduce your drinks from one per day to one per week: “Even as little as one drink per day seems to be associated with breast cancer, and the more you drink, the higher your risk,” says Halle Moore, MD, a breast cancer oncologist at the Cleveland Clinic. Three or more drinks per week boost the risk of breast cancer recurrence by 30 percent, and overweight and postmenopausal women may be particularly at risk.
So if you are particularly at risk for cancer or a cancer recurrence, you might say to heck with alcohol for heart and blood vessel benefit, and go for the lowest cancer risk. According to Jill Dietz, MD, a breast cancer surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic, “To keep your breast cancer risk low, cap your cocktails at one or two a week.”

Thinking

Communication Rule Number Nine

Don't Label, Name-Call, Use Sarcasm, or Threaten to End the Relationship.
 You don't need a rule to know that these things are counterproductive and that later you'll be sorry you said or did them.

But that's later and now's now. And now the intensity of your feelings exceeds your ability to think things through. You feel so powerless that you are willing to resort to almost anything, even to statements that will make your partner even less likely to listen to you.

You're lucky if you are the kind of person who, when angry, automatically edits out anything that you'll be sorry later that you said. You're unlucky if you're the kind of person who, when angry, immediately goes to just those things.

Dan Wile

Losing Fat

Responsibility

Communication Rule Number Eight

Don’t Get Sidetracked Arguing Over Irrelevant Details.
“It was in November that it happened.” “No, it was October.” “I remember distinctly it was November.” “You’re wrong. I wasn’t even wearing a jacket.” Arguing over such an irrelevant detail hijacks the conversation.

But the reason people get caught up in such side arguments is that every detail is a chance to express the outrage they feel with their partner and a place to make a stand against what they see as their partner’s need to be right. People argue about irrelevant issues because they are so upset with their partners that they don’t want to agree with them about anything.
In such cases, there is no such thing as an irrelevant issue.
It’s useful to realize that whenever you and your partner get bogged down over irrelevant details, the argument is no longer about a particular issue (if it ever was) but about your general frustration with each other. And it’s useful to realize that whatever sense of good will (willingness to give each other the benefit of the doubt) may have existed between you and your partner before has, for the moment at least, disappeared.

Dan Wile

Medicine

Looking Inside

Communication Rule Number 7

Communication Rule 7: Don’t Dig Up Old Grievances, since it provokes and demoralizes your partner, leaving them feeling you won’t let them live anything down or forgive them for anything.

But you may need to go to the past to find a clear example of what you feel is happening in more subtle ways today. Alternatively, you may be stuck in the past, feeling that your partner has never fully understood or expressed adequate remorse for something quite hurtful he or she did earlier in the relationship.

Dan Wile

Carnitine and Atherosclerosis

A diet rich in red meat has long been recognized as a risk factor for atherosclerosis (hardening of the arteries), but the saturated fat content of lean red meat appears to account for only some of the increased risk of a carnivorous lifestyle.

Carnitine may be a culprit for additional risks, says Stan Hazen, MD, PhD, from The Cleveland Clinic's Heart and Vascular Institute, who did the research and authored the recently published paper. Carnitine gets its name from carnis (meaning flesh), the Latin root of the word carnivore, because it is abundant in red meat. It is present at significantly lower levels in other forms of meat and dairy products.

 Carnitine is also a nutrient that may increase energy if taken short-term, but the new studies suggest that long-term exposure to carnitine may lead to increased hardening of blood vessel walls.

Perspective

Communication Rule Number 6

Stick to One Complaint, since skipping from topic to topic makes it impossible to talk anything through.

But people skip to other topics because they feel that the topic presently being discussed places them at a disadvantage in the argument or because they just thought of a better way to make their point.

In other words, they change topics to put themselves in a better position in their fight with their partner—to shift away from the good, possibly unanswerable, point their partner just made or to amass further evidence in their effort (futile as it may be) to convince their partner that they are right.

Dan Wile

McShit

Still

Communication Rule Number 5

Don’t Mind-Read.
 People mostly don’t like your telling them what they are feeling, thinking, or trying to do, especially if you’re implying that they shouldn’t be doing it: “You’re trying to punish me;” “You’re trying to make me feel guilty;” “You must want to be depressed;” and “You always have to be in control.”
Mind-reading can trigger an argument as in the following famous example:


You’re angry at me.
No I’m not.
Yes, you are.
I know when I’m angry and I’m not.
Well, then you’re angry unconsciously.
(Voice rising): I already told you, I’m not angry.
(Voice rising) Listen to your voice. You sound angry to me.
Well, I’m angry now—because you keep insisting I’m angry.

When you mind-read, you jump to conclusions. But you might also just be drawing conclusions. And even if you are jumping to conclusions, sometimes you’re right. Therapists draw or jump to conclusions all the time, as in: “You seem angry” or “You seem depressed.” (Some partners enjoy a certain type of mind-reading—finishing each other’s sentences—because their guesses, which are usually correct, show how well they know each other.)
Mind-reading is often an expression of feelings put in the form of assertions about the other person’s feelings. It’s a fear or worry stated as a fact. “You’re bored to death” might mean “I’m worried I’m boring you.” “Why are you so angry at me?” might mean: “I’m worried that you’re angry at me. I know I’ve been withdrawn lately, and I’d be angry if you had disappeared on me that way.” Accordingly, you can use your mind-reading statement—this assertion about your partner’s feelings (“You’re bored to death”)—to track back to your feelings (“I’m worried I’m being boring”).

Dan Wile

Way Of Life

Communication Rule Number 4

Paraphrase what your partner just said.
State it in your own words and check it out. Say, "I hear you saying that you feel … Do I have it right?" or "Let's see if I understand what you're saying. You're saying … Am I right?"
The purpose of this rule is to get you to listen to your partner when you hadn't realized you weren't and to get your partner to realize that you're listening when he or she hadn't thought you were. Also, it's to make sure you're not mishearing.
But people feel least like paraphrasing when they need to do it the most, that is, when they're angry and feel misunderstood. At such a time, they don't want to listen; they want their partners to listen to them.

Furthermore, paraphrasing and checking back seems to most people artificial and stilted. John Gottman reports that even skillful couples don't do it. On the other hand, the paraphrasing rule reveals something important about couple life, which is that partners often feel unlistened to by each other. So I recommend devising your own more informal, less stilted version of paraphrasing (active listening):

"I've been so busy trying to get you to see … that I hadn't noticed that what you're trying to get me to see is that …."

"I know you're trying to tell me …. But I can't listen because it makes me too mad."
"Okay, you're telling me …, but here's why I don't buy it."
"You've said that eight times now. The repetition is driving me crazy. But, you know, maybe you're repeating it because you don't think I've heard—and, well, actually, maybe I haven't."
"What particularly touched me in what you just said was…"

Dan Wile

Nothing Is To Be Feared

Medicine

Bliss

Communication Rule Number 3

Communication Rule 3: Don't interrupt your partner, since it frustrates them, prevents them from having their full say, and makes it less likely they will listen to you.
 Also, you might be jumping to false conclusions about what they are planning to say.
But the more you force yourself to sit there quietly while your partner misrepresents you, lectures you, or makes unfair charges, the angrier and more dispirited you become and the less you'll be able to listen. By the time you get a chance to talk, you may have built up so much resentment that you throw a tantrum. Or you may have become so demoralized that you no longer feel like saying anything at all.

So here's the problem: If you interrupt your partner, he or she may become an angry or dispirited person who can't listen; if you don't interrupt your partner, you may become an angry or dispirited person who can't listen.

Occasionally you can resolve this dilemma by making a limited interruption—breaking in but immediately giving the floor back to your partner: "I'm having trouble listening to you right now, but go on" or "There's something important I'll want to say about that as soon as you're done."
 For some people, commenting like that—registering that they have an objection—may make it possible for them to listen. And it may only briefly interrupt their partners.

Dan Wile

Walk

Nutritarian

Finding Beauty

Communication Rule Number 2

Communication Rule 2: Don't Say "Always" or "Never" since it raises your partner's hackles and can easily be refuted by his or her pointing to an exception.

 If you say "You never lift a finger around here," your partner can bring up how at times he has emptied the dishwasher, set the table, or made the kids' lunch. What you really mean is, "I'd like you to do a whole lot more around here and I have a great deal of resentment that you don't." "Never," "always," and such words are at once too powerful (they are exaggerations that make the other person less likely to listen) and too weak (they are typically easy to refute).

But it's difficult to avoid using them. When we feel that words are failing us—when we feel that we are not getting through to our partners—"always" and "never" spring naturally to our lips. If these words didn't exist, we'd have to invent them.
So we're going to say "always" and "never."
But here's what you can do. When you find yourself saying one of these, know that you've got a frustrated person on your hands, and that person is you. And know that you're likely to end up feeling even more frustrated because your partner will likely point to an exception.

Dan Wile

Disguised

Communication Rule Number 1

Communication Rule 1:
Make "I" Statements not "You" Statements.

Your partner's going to like it much better if you express feelings ("I feel unlovable") rather than make accusations ("You're selfish and unloving"). Okay, sure, we know that. But sometimes—especially during a fight—nothing but a good "you" statement will do. And, anyway, we usually don't think we're really making "you" statements.

When we're angry, parts of our brain shut down and other parts open up. We become "you" statement generating machines. We lose the ability to make "I" statements or do anything other than attack or defend. We forget what an "I" statement is. Even if we were to remember, it wouldn't matter, because we'd have absolutely no interest in making one.

"You" statements are often first approximations of "I" statements. "You're completely selfish and irresponsible coming home late like this," may be a rough first draft of, "I wish I didn't get so upset when you're late. You know me, I take it personally." "You" statements indicate that something needs to be talked about; "I" statements provide the means to do so.

Dan Wile

Definition and Responsibility

Ocean

Individually, we are one drop.
Together, we are an ocean.

 Ryunosuke Satoro

Rise Above

Medicine

My Mantra

Succeeded

To know even one life has
breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Fuel

Regrets

Compassion

“In separateness lies the world’s great misery,
in compassion lies the world’s true strength.”

Buddha

Berries

Not Sleeping

Dehydration

New Way

Comfort and Growth

“We find comfort among those who agree with us and growth among those who don’t.”

Frank A. Clark

Timing of Calories

A study in the International Journal of Obesity found that people who ate the majority of their calories after 3 p.m. lost significantly less weight than those who ate their largest meals earlier in the day.

Not only did later eaters lose weight more slowly, they were also more insulin resistant — a risk factor for diabetes. Late eaters were also more likely to eat a small breakfast or skip it altogether.

Avoiding meals and going long periods between eating can mess with your appetite and make weight loss more difficult. One study found that women who skipped meals lost eight fewer pounds than women who did not. Try to eat your biggest meal of the day earlier.